Monday, March 20, 2006

A new question arose

How many kids do we want? We had said at one point 5, a big family. But that was before we knew of my incompetent cervix and narrow hips. And before we had Mark. The question really becomes how many times can my uterus be sliced open like a watermelon safely and healthfully? And what happens if something happens that it has to be removed? How many kids do we really want now that we have had one? Or afford? With Mark they tore my uterus wall and I had major bleeding. I didn't need a transfusion, but I was anemic. If they need to remove stuff for whatever reason this time, most likely they will just put the gas mask on me do what they need to. I am not afraid, but we need to be prepared. If they need to remove my uterus, hypothetically, I would be OK with it. It would take time for me to adjust. At first I would probably be sad, then be relieved that BC was taken care of. But there is a big difference between not having anymore kids and not being able to have anymore kids. At least in my mind. I am in no man's land with this topic. I can't even just, off the top of my head, name how many kids I want. 2, 3, 5, 18. I would be OK with not having anymore after Abbigail, but I don't know that I will want to stop for good after her. This is all so numb in my mind. I am not scared or worried or nervous or anything like that. Nor is this a pending problem, only a possible one. I am not even sure that I am explaining right. It is such an open, broad, unexplored topic. I need time for it to marinade on my mind.

In other news, I am looking forward to our normal schedule today. Gabriel is back to work. I loved having him home, but it was time for him to go. I am so used to my alone free time that I grow restless without it now. It took so long for me to be able to relax and have fun by myself. I used to go nuts when he had to work long shifts or weekends. I really love blogging and learning things (currently HTML and CSS) on the internet. While I should probably be cleaning something. It is my guilty pleasure.

What is your guilty pleasure?


Marz said...

Valance turned out good! Good job!

As to the kids issue. Just because you no longer can bare children, doesn't mean you can't have any more children. There is so many unwanted children out there up for adoption. If you want more & can't have more of your own, there is always that option.
Not sure how you feel about adoption but it's always an option.
Good luck!

Wenchy said...

Hey Stephanie.

I always wanted four kids. All boys. Then Victoria came along as child number 3 and I gave that up as a bad joke. Anyway - my kids drive me nuts most of the time!!!!

Guilty pleasures... condense milk and rice krispies... ice cream and condense milk... condense milk!!! LOL

chelle said...

I totally understand you thoughts. We wanted 4 at first....then it went down to one after a very traumic birth...Now if I could just have ONE more I would be happy...after that I dunno one more would be cool...hehe we will see...